Somewhere With Regret

I, honestly, really hate writing about dating and guys and all of that nonsense. I feel whiny.

It’s funny that people say “when you stop looking, it finds you.” That hasn’t been my experience. When I stop looking, something hits me like a runaway train and then leaves me messed up and confused.

So basically I stopped looking and then I started hiding.

Maybe that’s working?

Going into June I was engaged in a fun flirtation with a guy. It was a lot of fun and for the first time in a while, I actually felt like something was brewing. He was around my age, handsome, super sweet. What could possibly go wrong?

I kept asking him out and when he would be free and kept getting the brush off. I took this as he wasn’t interested but then he’d carry on as if the question was next asked. I started to distance myself because I took it as a warning sign (experience has taught me much, not enough, but much). He kept fighting for my attention and I fell for it.

Until I’d had enough.

Finally I asked the one question I should have from the get-go.

“Are you actually single?”

No response. He read it. But no response.

He tried to brush it off and carry on as he had before but I dug my heals in and demanded an answer.

But the non-answer was enough.

Needless to say I have many an unopened message from him. I can’t play that game.

I excel at thinking that I’ve found someone and then being proven horribly wrong. It’s not even that I’m really looking. Captain brush-off contacted me, he started flirting, he carried on saying that we wanted to be with me.

Maybe he was single and just an ass.

I’d like to think it was something like that rather than me participating in someone cheating on their significant other. And I totally count outwardly flirting and emotionally engaging with someone else cheating.

Having been cheated on, I can’t even come close to condoning anything resembling that behavior.

I’m too old for games. Have I mentioned that?

I spent the better part of my 20’s playing those games and it left me feeling like human garbage.

I had my heart ripped out and stomped on when I was cheated on and that’s something that still affects me to this day. This is why it’s so crappy when I finally let down walls and welcome someone into my life only to have them hurt me again.

Maybe this is just the way of the world. Maybe relationships are now a one and done experience. Satisfaction with no connection. Get in, get out. Love ‘em and leave ‘em.

I’m honestly trying really hard not to say hooking up.

I’ll be real, I’m guilty.

I’m not proud of it because any time I’ve done it, I’ve felt terrible. Worse is when I’ve done it with someone I’ve had feelings for but that’s all it was ever going to amount to.

Then I try too hard.

Try to recreate that initial connection.

But that moment has passed.

That spark fizzled.

It’s gone out.

I’m realizing that I’ve written myself into a corner. I’m tired and frustrated at the moment and I’m wondering if any of this even makes any sense.

If anything, it’s a rant.

Nothing wrong with a good rant now and then.