I Accidentally Taught a Drunk Woman What Red Bull Is

I had to suffer through the following interaction, and since I believe in spreading the wealth of my misery, I’m making it everyone else’s problem now. You’re welcome in advance.

As I write this, I’m currently on a solo cruise aboard Enchantment of the Seas. This trip has been planned for a while, but it’s also doubled as a much-needed mental reset because this year has been… a lot. Truly, Olympic-level weird.

To be clear, I wasn’t planning on writing at all during this cruise. I even promised myself I’d disconnect. But here I am, hunched over my laptop, because I realized I botched something for work and had to fix it before it went live on social media. So much for vacation mode.

Oh, and if you’re wondering why I’m indoors instead of poolside—it’s because I am currently burnt to a crisp and peeling like a lizard mid-molt. Not a cute vibe.

Anyway…

Last night, I had what can only be described as one of the most ABSURD interactions of recent memory.

Some context: on my past two cruises, I haven’t bought the drink package because my Royal Caribbean loyalty status comes with four free drinks a day. Add to that the fun twist of being on new medication this year that absolutely does not play well with alcohol, and I’ve been living the refreshment package life. Translation: water, Red Bulls, and the occasional mocktail are my entire personality now.

So picture me, living my best low-key life in the Viking Crown Lounge—reading, sipping a single glass of wine, people-watching like a Victorian ghost. Before heading back to my cabin, I decide I want to grab a sugar-free Red Bull for the morning. The least chaotic place to do this is (ironically) the casino bar, and since I had to walk through anyway, it felt like fate.

I should’ve known better.

Here’s what happened:

Me: ordering like a normal human being “Can I please get a sugar-free Red Bull?”
Woman (very drunk, very loud, very ready to fight): “SUGAR-FREE RED BULL? WHAT THE HELL IS A SUGAR-FREE RED BULL? DID YOU JUST ORDER A SUGAR-FREE RED BULL?”
Me: tries the classic ignore-and-hope-it-goes-away approach
Woman: “Did you just order a sugar-free Red Bull? What is that? Is that a drink?”
Me (baffled): “It’s… it’s Red Bull.”
Woman: “So like a vodka Red Bull?”
Me: “No… it’s just Red Bull.”
Woman (turning to bartender like she’s cracking a Da Vinci Code): “If I ordered a sugar-free Red Bull, what would that be? I don’t want one, I just want to know.”
Bartender (already regretting his career path): “A… Red Bull.”
Woman (gasps as if she’s discovered fire): “So sugar-free Red Bull is just… code for Red Bull?”
Everyone within five feet: collective confusion intensifies
Bartender (hands me my drink like it’s cursed): “Here’s your Red Bull.”
Woman: “OH! It’s just a Red Bull!”
Everyone: …
Woman (to me, beaming): “Thanks to you, I learned something new today.”
Me: “I’m so proud of you.” walks away before bursting into flames

Reader, I swear on Turtle (my cat) that this exchange actually happened.

Was it funnier in person? Probably. But this morning, as I walked through the casino again, I saw the guy who had been standing next to me during the interaction. We happened to make eye contact and both couldn’t help but laugh as the memory came back to the both of us. So if nothing else, I can say I provided live entertainment for one stranger.

And now, thanks to this blog, I’ve made it your problem too.